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Unlonely

Lately I’ve not been feeling as alone as I have in the past. I used to be so lonely and either attention starved or just wanting someone to be with. I wondered if ever there could be someone out there who could really and truly love me, someone who would find me beautiful, and love me for who I am. Because I am such a specific and particular person, I can’t just grab any guy from the mall. I’d wonder if there was someone like me, yet unlike me…a strong Christian I could rely on, etc. Since that time (and one day in particular) I’ve come to know many strong Christian men, and fell in love with someone who I thought did love me.

Why have I been feeling less lonely lately? I’m not entirely sure. I had someone, for a time, who was like me, and who loved me. Someone who shared a lot of the same values and interests. I know that finding someone who I “click” with is possible. But now I am alone again. So what next? Maybe I’m not so anxious because I’ve reached a point where I can truly give it over to God? Maybe it’s because I’ve found a good network of Christian friends, and I am encouraged by knowing men (and women) who have a passion for Christ? I don’t know…I still very much have a desire to find the right man, right career, and settle down and have a family, but I guess I jut feel like I have less anxiety now.

THere are still times, fairly often, when I feel like less than what I should be. I’m not thin enough, or pretty enough. Though sometimes I feel AMAZING and like nothing can tear me down. I don’t have anyone really paying any attention to me, romantically that is. I have an interest, though I have no idea what he’s thinking, but it’s not a “crush”, a love, or even a “like”. lol. And I feel…ok…I think. It’s unusual, this feeling that everything is ok…but it is a good feeling…I’ll keep you updated…

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What to say? I’ve been thinking so much lately that my head might just explode. (And for a woman to be thinking too many things…that’s saying something…) To start, I have been reading lately about relationships and spiritual topics. I recently finished “For Men Only” and “For Women Only”, while I am working on “Boy Meets Girl” (Josh Harris’ sequel to “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), “The Late Great Planet Earth” and “Evidence that Demands a Verdict.” To name a few of my more recent book choices. Through reading and discussing these books I’ve learned a lot about men, myself, and what I’d like out of a relationship. As most of my friends know, this is a topic that I take very seriously. I am so serious about it because I want to do things right the first time, have an intentional relationship, rather than a haphazard emotional affair.

I am not looking for a boyfriend. I’ve never had one, and I’m ok with that. I am, however, waiting for a husband. Let me explain. I want a man who is willing to pursue courtship. What’s courtship, you ask? Courtship is a purposeful friendship, designed to get to know someone to determine whether marriage is an option. It’s not dating renamed, but dating redefined. It’s a time for two people to seek God together, refrain from building unnecessary physical attachment, and get to know and fall in love with the character of that person. My husband will be a man of impeccable moral character, a man who I can look at and think, “this is a man I could follow” rather than, “I think this is someone I want.” Guys have expressed interest in me previously, but never EVER has a man approached me and expressed a desire to court me, to draw closer to me and to God, while attempting to discover whether marriage is an option for us.

What defines a successful courtship? When two people can discover the answer to that question and still remain close friends, whatever the outcome. I’ve always wanted someone I could be open and honest with, someone I could study the Bible with and seek God’s will with through Christian counsel; someone I could get to know on a daily basis and build a strong friendship with first and foremost. Someone who I could have simple and honest “questioning sessions” with to help us know each other better (thoughts, ideals, dreams, etc.), someone I could spend time with, and who would read with me about what we should do during this time. Someone who would be willing to take initiative, take time to get to know me, pursue me, and prayerfully seek guidance about the possibility of marriage. I want a man who will truly be my best friend, and is willing to seek that before a romantic relationship.

That said, I do not want to make an idol of marriage. I don’t think I have done so yet, but the potential is always there. I think it was Calvin who said that the sin wasn’t in wanting something, but in wanting to too much. I truly want to get married, but I need to make sure my motives are pure, and that I’m not wanting marriage too much. Both my potential husband and I will need to make sure that what we are doing is aligned with God’s will, and is also what’s best for the other person. Is this something I am seeking for self-gratification or an anxious desire that is not altogether healthy? Or is this a part of my life that I want to use to bring glory to God? I do not want to elevate the relationship, or the person, into god-like status. Everything has it’s place, and that place is not God’s.

We have a tendency, as humans, to be uncomfortable in the places of “not knowing”. We do not want to be weak and dependent upon anyone, but the fact is, we are weak and we need to be dependent upon God for our strength, comfort, and guidance. We think we’ll be more relaxed if we know the “when,” “who,” and “how,” of our future relationship, but we must trust God with that. Realize also that God will show us the answers to these questions in due time, and not only just in spiritual ways, but also in practical ways. I was impatient before, when I loved someone, and I realize that it was wrong. He wasn’t what I needed, but my too-strong and too-soon feelings for him clouded my judgment. We were friends, but not at the level we should have been before contemplating a relationship, and we discussed marriage at times, but not in the ways we should have. God was NOT the center of that relationship, and I repent of that. I thank you Lord for taking that away from me, though it hurt me a lot. I know you will use that past to teach me and help me become the person you want me to be.

In closing, I will try to truly be content with where I am now. I will still be thinking and praying about this issue, I can’t really stop thinking about it, and will continue to try and prepare myself for my husband. I must trust God to provide answers to the questions of “when,” “how,” and “who.” I don’t know who. I don’t even really have much of an idea of who I want him to be. I have someone I’m interested in, but I won’t know whether that’s of God unless we both prayerfully consider it together, so I’m going to try and leave him alone, leave the developing of a friendship up to him, if he feels God leading him to it. I don’t know when. But I do know that when will be at a time when I am completely focused on God and truly at peace with being His and His alone. I don’t know how. I do want God to show him to me, and guide him to me, but how that happens is unknown to me. I do know one thing though…the who is God, the when is now, and the how is through prayer and supplication. I pray that I may be at peace about this whole subject (though it is hard at times, especially for women, and especially for me) and that I will desire God with my whole heart before he sends me that special someone. There is so much more on my mind that I could write, but I will leave you with this verse once again:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Philippians 4:4-9

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Emotions are an amazing thing, yet also quite irritating at times. You say you feel one way, but maybe you don’t. You think you’re feeling something, but someone else says you’re not really. You’re pretty sure why you think or feel something, but in truth, your motivations for feeling that way are not what you thought they were. And, according to Jeremiah, the heart is deceitful and no one can understand it… argh! Can’t I just feel the way I want to and not have everyone question what I’m thinking? I tend to overanalyze myself (and others) a little too much already without other people jumping in the mix and confusing me even more.

For example: there’s this guy. No, not like that, I barely know him, but I’d like to get to know him better. I’m very much interested in him, I think he’s a pretty awesome guy. So I tell some friends who know me fairly well, and have met him. I’m excited, I’ve got someone “on the radar”, so to speak. (That and I’m also a woman who really wants to find her husband and raise a family to the Glory of God.) They tell me that I’m too codependent upon someone I may never find (my husband), that I’m not really interested in him, and that it’s just a rebound. They say I don’t act like I’m interested. How am I supposed to act? If he doesn’t get it by now he’s just dumb. But what do they think I should be doing? I tell them it’s not a rebound…how do they know that it is? I’m not after him just to have someone because I’m lonely after what’s his face left me, I’m not really after him at all. I’d just really like to get to know him, any more than that is up to him and God. But the point is, I think I know what I’m feeling, I already doubt myself enough as it is. Deciding you’re interested in someone who doesn’t reciprocate that interest is part of life, though it still hurts. I value their input, I really do, and I do still want them to keep advising me. I know they just want to keep me from hurting myself, but who can really truly judge our emotions? It’s not me, I have so many doubts and fears and insecurities in my own decision making skills at times, it’s dizzying.

I thought I heard God tell me once that this guy wasn’t the one for me, and that if I did start something it would “be worse than before.” But then on another day when I was thinking about him and wondering if I should tell him before too long (the future isn’t promised to us anyway, and I don’t know what my plans are either) I thought I heard God tell me “Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere” as if I should just calm down, he’ll be there and we’ll have time. But then I start to overanalyze, was that really God? Could it have been Satan? Could it have been my own fears telling me not to get involved? Could it be my own selfish desires just hoping beyond hope that I may really have found someone? Ack! Emotions are frustrating. And being a girl, I think we have the worse end of the emotional spectrum. Men feel things just as strongly as we do, no doubt about that, but I think that the range of emotions and the speed at which women go through them is greater by far.

I don’t want to doubt or hurt anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m single, trying to figure out what I want for a career, where I want to go to school, what I want to do with my life. At the same time, I just long for simplicity. Love, friendship, children, music, Jesus, fellowship. Reading books by the fire, playing and singing and reveling in the beautiful harmonies, sharing a homemade meal with family, playing board games with friends. The lights and the glamour and traveling the world as a famous musician, or being the best teacher in the country…these things are not for me. What do I want? How do I feel? Who do I love? Where will I go? These are all questions that I thought I knew the answers to, but now I’m not so sure.

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Beauty?

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life

Chorus:
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Being a girl is so frustrating sometimes. We’re meant to reflect the beauty, grace, and mercy of God, but it’s so difficult these days. Wanting to be loved without being willing to give up something that you shouldn’t for the wrong man, but willing to give up everything that you should for the right one, if only he would pay attention. You can be the center of attention anywhere, but there’s always someone prettier and skinnier to take that from you, there’s always someone who feels threatened by you. There’s some freaky competition between girls, sometimes I don’t even understand it. But it’s as if, as soon as someone who is pretty walks in the door, our radar goes off and we put on this “forced float” (as someone called it) and can’t just be ourselves. It’s especially difficult if there is a potential interest there. We just feel threatened, I suppose. (No wonder I like hanging out with the guys…) I’m just tired sometimes of being a girl, wanting to feel good about yourself but not being able to when you’re just yourself. I don’t think anyone has seen me on a normal day without makeup in years. It’s not because I hate myself, but my skin misbehaves and I always feel so gross without it. I want someone to think I’m beautiful no matter what I do, or how I look. I know Jesus thinks that of me, but sometimes…it’s just lonely. You have so much you want to give; love, affection, devotion, time…and stupid girls who are in it for the sex or just the attention ruin it for women who are trying to be Godly and be who they are supposed to be. And no, I am not being overly co-dependent (as some would say) on a man who may or may not exist (my husband), I just want to find the right guy for me, and I know God has him out there. While I’m waiting, I’d like for people’s girlfriends not to hate me…I’m not after your man, I just like making friends and feeling pretty.

I don’t know why I’m ranting. I just feel so lonely and ugly sometimes. Eww. It just feels good to vent.

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As you all know, I am a hopeless romantic. You also know that I’ve never had a boyfriend, and have only had one chance at love. I am very careful with my heart, I want to do things right according to God’s will, and my heart belongs only to the man that God has for me. Sometimes I can be rather impatient in waiting for my sweetheart to come along. (As can be expected from an extremely loving and affectionate girl.) So, to help me in my waiting, I’ve been praying for my future husband. Other friends of mine are doing the same, but I’ve decided to start a journal as well…in it I will write my thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, and prayers for my husband, and for us. I will give it to him after we are married, a little glimpse into my heart. This will be a very good thing for me, and hopefully it will ease the difficulty of waiting.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires!

Psalm 37:4
“Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Phil 4:6-7
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life”
Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Don’t ever take your friends for granted…

When I decide that you are my friend and that I love you, you’re stuck with me. I will be your friend as long as I can, and as best as I can. I will do whatever I can to help you if you need it; I will answer my phone at 4 am and come get you if you’re in trouble…I will call and message you to see how you are doing…I will open my home to you if you need a place to run, or a place to relax…I will be a listening ear, a loving remonstrance, a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging and empathetic heart…but please, don’t take that for granted. I don’t want recognition, just please, don’t walk on me.

I’ve only ever been in love once. Just once. About 5 months ago. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and have only been kissed by one man. It didn’t work out, he went back to his ex, but we’re still friends. I am very thankful that we had this involvement, and I don’t regret it. Through it God has grown us both quite a bit, at least, he has helped me. And I do see that the relationship is probably not the right one, but I am thankful for his friendship. But lately I’ve been feeling ignored. He’s been through a lot, and I have been there as much as I could be. I would have gone to visit his mother and grandmother in the hospital if he had asked. I would message him and ask how things are going, I would send him smiley faces to cheer him up. I would do anything that I could to make him feel better…but he doesn’t seem to care.. His girlfriend hates me, even through I have no more romantic interest in him. When he’s with her he completely ignores my messages and phone calls. I understand it if they are on a date, but if he marries her, I’ll never see him or talk to him again. 😦 Last night after our performance (he and I perform in a chorus together) his girlfriend was there, and we couldn’t really talk much. If I were to say anything against her, even just complaining that she’s being mean, he would correct me, but he never says anything to her when she’s unkind to me. (She told him he couldn’t start a conversation with me…) If she’s at the table with the group, he will not talk to me at all. He won’t even look at me. And it just hurts so much. So much. Don’t take me for granted, please.

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