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Posts Tagged ‘emotion’

I’m sitting here in a little coffee shop in downtown Safety Harbor with my boyfriend, looking out the window at the still-lighted trees and watching all the passers-by in the fading twilight hours of a rainy Florida day. I felt inspired to write what I have been thinking about; how two souls, with two very different personalities, can come to be one.

The Bible says in Mark 10, “…at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” While we all know that this passage, in its most basic form, refers to the sexual (and also emotional) union of a husband and wife, I think there is certainly more to it. In our society, where we spend so much time with our significant other before marriage, we become far more connected and “one” with each other before marriage. The time we spend together, talking, praying, attending church, snuggling, kissing, etc. brings us close together and helps us to form a very unique and tight bond, that we will never have with another person. This is one of the reasons why we are told to guard our hearts above all else, because our heart is the wellspring of our life, everything we do is affected by it. (Proverbs 4:23)We must be careful that we don’t become too emotionally attached before we are married to our sweetheart.

While we need to be careful how close we get, I have been realizing how wonderful it is to have that person to connect to, and how wonderful our differences are. My boyfriend and I are very different in many ways; we have differing backgrounds, tastes, preferences, mannerisms, dispositions, and ways of analyzing things. As we go through our lives together I realize that, because of this, life can be twice as beautiful and twice as sweet. I get to see beautiful things and hear wonderful music through two sets of eyes, and two pairs of ears. Things that I may notice and appreciate in a passage from a book or a portion of a sermon may be different from things that my boyfriend notices, and we both benefit from these insights. When we eat together, we try different things that may be unusual to us, and we often share the meals we eat; this makes the world so much more delicious and twice as sweet. We learn new traditions and share our unique cultural heritages–the world is twice as colorful. Through two pairs of eyes, two minds, and two hearts we experience the world together as one, and it is so much more sweet, and beautiful, than it would be alone.

Two souls, two eyes,

One heart, one mind.

Beating, blinking,

Loving, thinking.

Sharing all the earth,

Sorrow and mirth.

Two hearts, four eyes,

One love, one life.

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Emotions are an amazing thing, yet also quite irritating at times. You say you feel one way, but maybe you don’t. You think you’re feeling something, but someone else says you’re not really. You’re pretty sure why you think or feel something, but in truth, your motivations for feeling that way are not what you thought they were. And, according to Jeremiah, the heart is deceitful and no one can understand it… argh! Can’t I just feel the way I want to and not have everyone question what I’m thinking? I tend to overanalyze myself (and others) a little too much already without other people jumping in the mix and confusing me even more.

For example: there’s this guy. No, not like that, I barely know him, but I’d like to get to know him better. I’m very much interested in him, I think he’s a pretty awesome guy. So I tell some friends who know me fairly well, and have met him. I’m excited, I’ve got someone “on the radar”, so to speak. (That and I’m also a woman who really wants to find her husband and raise a family to the Glory of God.) They tell me that I’m too codependent upon someone I may never find (my husband), that I’m not really interested in him, and that it’s just a rebound. They say I don’t act like I’m interested. How am I supposed to act? If he doesn’t get it by now he’s just dumb. But what do they think I should be doing? I tell them it’s not a rebound…how do they know that it is? I’m not after him just to have someone because I’m lonely after what’s his face left me, I’m not really after him at all. I’d just really like to get to know him, any more than that is up to him and God. But the point is, I think I know what I’m feeling, I already doubt myself enough as it is. Deciding you’re interested in someone who doesn’t reciprocate that interest is part of life, though it still hurts. I value their input, I really do, and I do still want them to keep advising me. I know they just want to keep me from hurting myself, but who can really truly judge our emotions? It’s not me, I have so many doubts and fears and insecurities in my own decision making skills at times, it’s dizzying.

I thought I heard God tell me once that this guy wasn’t the one for me, and that if I did start something it would “be worse than before.” But then on another day when I was thinking about him and wondering if I should tell him before too long (the future isn’t promised to us anyway, and I don’t know what my plans are either) I thought I heard God tell me “Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere” as if I should just calm down, he’ll be there and we’ll have time. But then I start to overanalyze, was that really God? Could it have been Satan? Could it have been my own fears telling me not to get involved? Could it be my own selfish desires just hoping beyond hope that I may really have found someone? Ack! Emotions are frustrating. And being a girl, I think we have the worse end of the emotional spectrum. Men feel things just as strongly as we do, no doubt about that, but I think that the range of emotions and the speed at which women go through them is greater by far.

I don’t want to doubt or hurt anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m single, trying to figure out what I want for a career, where I want to go to school, what I want to do with my life. At the same time, I just long for simplicity. Love, friendship, children, music, Jesus, fellowship. Reading books by the fire, playing and singing and reveling in the beautiful harmonies, sharing a homemade meal with family, playing board games with friends. The lights and the glamour and traveling the world as a famous musician, or being the best teacher in the country…these things are not for me. What do I want? How do I feel? Who do I love? Where will I go? These are all questions that I thought I knew the answers to, but now I’m not so sure.

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