Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Part 1 – The redefinition of words to create something else to control and be offended by.

Feminist. You probably have strong feelings when you hear/read this word. What image comes to mind when you think about a feminist? Chances are, this word conjures up either the image of a social justice warrior, fighting to defend the rights of the oppressed women of America, or a fat and ugly free-bleeder who eats men for breakfast. Whatever your opinion in this, I want you to know two things:

  1. I support women’s rights to equality (not that women are the same as men, but should have equal opportunities.)
  2. I do not call myself a feminist.


The Redefining of Words

There are many reasons why I do not call myself a feminist, but one that has been on my mind recently (and is fairly easy to address) is that modern feminism relies strongly on the redefining of words and manipulation to encourage young women to view all their problems as a result of oppression and misogyny and not due to any other factors.

Some words that have been modified recently:

  • Friendzoned – I do not know who decided that this word was somehow an attack on women, but it is not. The word itself simply describes when a person (typically a man) has invested time/money/emotion into a girl and has discovered that the girl is only interested in friendship. It is my personal opinion that women tend to invest more in relationships with men that they do not intend to become romantic (“just friends”) than men tend to. A girl might simply think that the guy who stays up late texting her, goes to the mall with her, listens to her cry, and buys her snacks, is just doing what any other friend would do. In my experience, guys do not tend to do things like this for a girl unless they are at least mildly interested in her, and if they start out that way, they will at some time be interested in a relationship, even if he never admits it. Girls, on the other hand, tend to like to talk and can be very comfortable investing time and energy into a friendship with a boy they have no intention of having a romantic relationship with. There is nothing wrong with these tendencies. Girls should try to be more considerate and realize that they may, in fact, be unintentionally signaling to a guy that they are interested when thay are not.

  Somehow, modern feminists have come to the conclusion that a guy saying he was “freindzoned” means that somehow the woman owes him something. What? No. Just no. The concept of wooing a woman may be foreign to Americans, but the idea is that you spend time with someone and do nice things for them in an attempt to get them to like you, not to say that they owe you anything! If you are reading this and thinking “Well, I had this one guy who was like, you need to sleep with me because I was there for you when you were sad!” etc. then that speaks VOLUMES to the type of man that YOU choose to spend time with. I have placed several interested men in the friend category (some without realizing they were interested) and not once have I had someone act as though they owed me anything. Could it be that they were upstanding and respectable guys? No! Never! Men are pigs! But really, if this happens to you, it might be that you lead them on (perhaps unintentionally) or that you make terrible friendship choices.

  • Slut – I saw this one described the other day as “attacking a woman for her right to say yes.” *blinkblink* Just because you have a right to say yes does not mean you aren’t a terrible person for saying yes to every guy who asks. Generally the term is used to describe women (and sometimes men) who are easy (as in, have had sexual interactions with multiple non-serious partners, willing to kiss any guy, etc.) OR who dress to show off far more skin on a regular basis than is generally considered socially acceptable. We live in a society where telling someone that they are wrong is taboo, and heaven forbid a young person ever have to feel shame for their actions.

    It’s like that Kaepernick guy; he has a right to sit for the anthem, but I also have a right to say he’s a dingbat for doing so.

  • Bossy – There is actually a campaign to ban the word bossy. Really. The website for this campaign says “When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.” Bull. Crap. I taught middle school and I have not experienced this phenomenon, it is quite the opposite, in reality. When leaving notes to substitutes, or appointing leaders in my classroom, I usually have to make sure that I have at least one boy on the list, because there is an abundance of girls who are able and willing to lead. I can think of maybe 7 or 8 boys (our of 180 students) who would volunteer to lead or do something. Usually only one in each class.

 The word bossy is defined as: “inclined to domineer (dictatorial), liking to order people around.” A LEADER does not simply tell people what to do; a leader leads by example, encourages and inspires those around them to follow their example, and generally takes the initiative to do something about a problem. A bossy person simply tells people what they should do, “We should play THIS game!” or “No, no, no! When I make my doll say this, you’re supposed to say…” or “Give me some of your candy.” Now, I know that this word is most often applied to girls and I am not entirely sure why, but here are some similar words boys get called: insolent, pushy, arrogant, domineering, aggressive, controlling, cocky, cocksure, high-and-mighty, patronizing, pretentious, pompous, and pig-headed. The connotation of the word bossy indicates that the person thinks they are smarter or they know better than others, and want everyone to do as they say. For a boy, in a world where girls tend to outshine them in the classroom from an early age, putting forth the effort to speak up and risk embarrassment takes a lot of courage. A student who leads and says, “I think this would be a good way to do X” is using their skills and trying to do the best they can, whereas a kid saying “No, we have to do it this way!” is bossy. There is a distinction. Banning the word “bossy” is not going to help a little girl’s self-esteem.

Do you know what would help women boost their self-esteem? If girls’ magazines were not strictly geared to looks, getting boyfriends, and being sexy/sexual. Instead, why not fill magazines with things like: how to be a good friend, how to dress in ways that flatter your body type, how to succeed in male-dominated careers (or tips on careers that might be difficult for women due to physical limitations), health care tips, what colors complement your skin tone, manners, easy and healthy recipes, tips on job interviews, crafts, tips for young mothers, how to be a good wife, how to spot a man who might not be good for you, quick/easy household organization tips, etc. As a youngun, I LOVED the American Girl magazine. It was great! There were stories, crafts, paper dolls, tips on manners and advice on how to handle tough situations. It was a wonderful resource; they also published tip books, stories about courageous girls (Felicity was my favorite), and had dolls for sale. Unfortunately, few magazines these days are like this.

Instead of redefining words, why not redefine our culture? How about we teach women to respect themselves; that they don’t have to wear five pounds of makeup, have sex, or show off their bodies to be beautiful. Or that it’s ok to say NO to a guy who is interested, and that not having a boyfriend at age 13 does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Or that just because you are waiting for marriage to have sex it does not make you a prude. Maybe we should honor those women who choose to be a stay-at-home-mom or housewife as much as we honor and respect those who choose to pursue a career. Perhaps we should stop insulting women who actually enjoy domestic activities like cooking, and at the same time encourage/empower those who are not great at those domestic activities so that they know they don’t have to be, and know that they have help if they want to learn.

When I was in middle school I was bullied badly. I was chubby, I was (and am) a Christian and did not do some of the things other kids did, I liked reading and nerdy things like Star Trek, and I did not dress like everyone else (partly because I could not afford it, partly because I was modest and not so interested in what was fashionable). I was made fun of for not having a boyfriend; kids would tease me and try to ask me who I liked, or who I would go out with. If my response was “I don’t know him” I was told “You get to know him, that’s what having a boyfriend is for.” I was called fat and ugly, and lost “friends” because I didn’t dress popularly. I even lost friends because I chose not to lie to my parents: I went to a friend’s house and she wanted to watch the movie Stigmata, something I knew I would not have been allowed to watch, but I also did not want to watch it anyway (still don’t). “Your parents won’t know” was the only response my friend gave to my objections. Our friendship pretty much ended that day. In college I was occasionally called a prude, mostly by guys who I was friends with where there was mutual interest, but not the compatibility necessary to justify starting a relationship. Just because two people are attracted to each other does not mean you MUST date, or that you would be good long-term, or that you need to make out. In the long run, I think I have gained respect because I did not have dozens of boyfriends (went on a few dates, though only one lead to a relationship), did not dress immodestly, and held to my standards. Have I made mistakes? You betcha. Many things I wish that I had not done, or had done differently. Did I sometimes compromise? A few times, and I regret it completely.

Changing the mindset of Americans will do far more for young girls than it will to change the words that we use to describe the mindset. The Bible definitely got it right: Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Changing the words we use will not change the hearts of the people that use them.

Check out this article on 8 Ways Fascist Feminists are Ruining America’s Women.


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How to describe how I feel right now? The most eloquent sentences that I can string together don’t encompass the depth of the feelings I feel and the way my heart is saddened within me. One word might suffice.
My insides feel all twisted up in knots. My sister “ACE” is making exceptionally unwise choices, going places that no self-professing Christian should ever go, doing things that one should never do. She is dating someone with views opposite her own, and who is much older than she — a friend of mine, who I know well enough to know he is not a good person for her to date. ACE is easily influenced, doing things because “they’re fun”, “I want to”, “it feels good”, “I’m young”, “it’s not THAT bad” etc. and is likely to run into a world of trouble if she keeps on the path she’s going down. Last week she went to a club that caters to goths and has overall a theme of vampiric bondage and sexuality, etc.  One person testified that at this club “nothing is taboo.” When ACE went there was a man in attendance who was only wearing a condom! I am so worried about her right now I am to the point of distraction. She doesn’t care that she’s causing her family pain, she doesn’t care that she is deliberately disobeying what God has commanded.

“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?” Hebrews 10:26-29

There is a part of me that almost wants to let her screw up her life, to see her fail,  fall flat on her face so we can say “I told you so!” And there’s another part of me that wants to snatch her up and protect her from harm. I know sometimes I make mistakes, and I say things to her that I probably shouldn’t, and for that I apologize to her and to anyone else necessary. But at the same time, no, I won’t apologize. She owes her family an apology for worrying them, for giving the family a poor reputation, and Christ an apology for deliberately trampling on His sacrifice.

In regards to the club she went to, she told me that she wanted to go, but at the same time her boyfriend claims that he respects her beliefs and he won’t do anything to hurt her. I asked her, “if it ever got to the point where you wanted to have sex with him would he say no, even if you wanted to?” She replied “That’s different, I wanted to go to the club because it was halloween and fun stuff.” -.- He doesn’t love her enough to protect her from herself. I am distracted over this to the point of tears. I found out through other people that she had gone to this club, and not from her. And apparently her last boyfriend took her to clubs that were WORSE than this one! I am distraught!

At one point in her last relationship I asked her why it would be good for her to keep going to church (she sometimes does) and she replied “So I don’t ‘go astray’.” With quotations, as if it wasn’t a possibility! She thinks she hasn’t changed at all, but she has. She’s become more devious, lying to family members and to her own boyfriend (at the time), and she doesn’t even know that she’s changed! What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!

Lord Jesus, help me to know what to do! I feel so twisted inside! I pray that she will find wisdom and maturity and that I will have peace and be able to say the right things. Amen.

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I am really quite irritated at the state of the literature directed at youth these days. I was reading a book entitled Graceling, by Kristin Cashore, and thoroughly enjoying it. My sister “Ace” had recommended it to me, and I was glad to be able to share in something that she enjoyed and to talk with her about it. I often recommend books to her, and it was nice that she was excited about a book, like she hasn’t been in a long while.

In this story some of the characters have what are referred to as “graces”; a grace is a special skill that the person has which manifests itself in childhood, and a graced child is indicated by having eyes that differ in color from each other. Sometimes it makes itself known when the child is a few months old, sometimes older, but no one can tell what the grace is until the child discovers their special skill. Some are skilled with numbers, or cooking, others with fighting or sometimes something fairly useless like climbing trees; these skills are developed over time and require a person to learn to master them. Some of the main characters in this story are graced, and the story follows the path of the heroine, Katsa, as she struggles to form her identity and figure out who she is and how her grace defines her life (she is graced with fighting). The struggle to control her anger, to trust, to be independent, and to find herself, all are enthralling and something that youth can identify with these days. The female lead is a strong character, far more so than the male cast, and sometimes I fear that the men in the story may be too ideal, too soft to be real. (This is how the world is becoming, strong women, weak men…)

I was reading along, enjoying the story when it happened: BAM! sex scene. For much of that chapter, Katsa deals with the newness of feelings for this character, struggles to reconcile what life would be like as a wife bound to one man who had her abilities and disposition (she had vowed never to marry or have children). He says something to her to the effect of “I’ll give myself to you in whatever way you’ll take me”, meaning: even if you don’t want to marry me, I would still be your lover. She grapples with what it would mean to commit to a marriage relationship when her future is so uncertain; marriage is forever. How would she feel if she were to be tethered to a man, as she had been to the king? (Of course I’d say love is it’s own beautiful tether and not true bondage…) All this she reasons through, and then one day while sparring together they get a little too physical and  end up having sex. The book is not too graphic (comparatively) but it does talk about them making out, necking, taking off each others’ clothing…it talks about how it hurt her, and how she bled, and even refers to his speed and him contemplating whether he should slow down or not.

I have several issues with this:

1. What the heck is a sex scene doing in a children’s book?!?! Do little girls need to envision the wonder of sex and the pain and exhilaration of it at age 10 or 12? Should a little girl be exposed to these things that will cause her to burn with the desire to know and be known? Do little boys barely through puberty need to start down the path toward lust? I’m sure they’ll both get there in their own time, but does it need to be encouraged?  In a world where sex is cheap, women are valuable only for their bodies, and men are allowed to satisfy their urges however they choose, I would say no. The book continues to make sexual references: “If places other than my toes are cold would you warm them too?”, and other comments about him touching her inappropriately.

2. Do we really want our children to start reasoning that commitment is bad because we don’t know the future? Using that reasoning we could get out of anything…work, school, marriage, and then we will be morally and emotionally bankrupt because we cannot have the patience or the discipline to stick with a decision that might be long-term. Sometimes we have to take a step of faith with a person: “No, I don’t know the future, but I know you, and I trust you. I feel safe committing to you, even if the future is uncertain.”

3. The character gave in way too easily, and now this scene has colored the entire remainder of the book and the characters themselves. It makes love look cheap, and patience no longer a virtue. It glorifies giving in to one’s primal desires for mere pleasure and because they felt compelled to do it. (She also eats a “morning after” type of plant.) When she was struggling with the new concept of being in love, of whether she wanted children, of whether she wanted to be “bound” to one man, did she ever consider the emotional ties that would be created? The scandal of if he (who is a noble) ever married? What would happen if she did get pregnant? Completely selfish.
All this is to say, a perfectly good book was practically ruined for me.

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So…I work at a music store, and it’s a pretty neat place to work; you learn many new things and meet all kinds of interesting people. Most people are harmless, friendly, or just odd, but occasionally you’ll get a creeper. I think I need to write a blog and call it “Creeper Count .com” to keep track of all my creepy encounters.

Today: Man walks in with a bright-yellow tom tom, and I have to write him a pass so we know it’s his when he tries to leave with it. There is a little box on the slip I fill out that says “reason for carry in:” and I check one of several reasons, or create one in the blank space. I asked him why he was bringing the tom in and he said he needed to get a head for it. Then he asked, “can I get a little head?” >:O I was so flabbergasted I didn’t know what to say. I eventually said something to the effect of “No you may not.” He asked where to go and I told him where the drum room was and that a police officer would be waiting to escourt him out afterward. I didn’t say much to him when he finally left, but if he had made any more inappropriate remarks I would have said something that I probably shouldn’t.

This is probably the worst, or second worst, thing that’s ever been said directly to me in that store. More to come later.

Should I make a blog about my creeper count? Comments please!

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I’m sitting here in a little coffee shop in downtown Safety Harbor with my boyfriend, looking out the window at the still-lighted trees and watching all the passers-by in the fading twilight hours of a rainy Florida day. I felt inspired to write what I have been thinking about; how two souls, with two very different personalities, can come to be one.

The Bible says in Mark 10, “…at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” While we all know that this passage, in its most basic form, refers to the sexual (and also emotional) union of a husband and wife, I think there is certainly more to it. In our society, where we spend so much time with our significant other before marriage, we become far more connected and “one” with each other before marriage. The time we spend together, talking, praying, attending church, snuggling, kissing, etc. brings us close together and helps us to form a very unique and tight bond, that we will never have with another person. This is one of the reasons why we are told to guard our hearts above all else, because our heart is the wellspring of our life, everything we do is affected by it. (Proverbs 4:23)We must be careful that we don’t become too emotionally attached before we are married to our sweetheart.

While we need to be careful how close we get, I have been realizing how wonderful it is to have that person to connect to, and how wonderful our differences are. My boyfriend and I are very different in many ways; we have differing backgrounds, tastes, preferences, mannerisms, dispositions, and ways of analyzing things. As we go through our lives together I realize that, because of this, life can be twice as beautiful and twice as sweet. I get to see beautiful things and hear wonderful music through two sets of eyes, and two pairs of ears. Things that I may notice and appreciate in a passage from a book or a portion of a sermon may be different from things that my boyfriend notices, and we both benefit from these insights. When we eat together, we try different things that may be unusual to us, and we often share the meals we eat; this makes the world so much more delicious and twice as sweet. We learn new traditions and share our unique cultural heritages–the world is twice as colorful. Through two pairs of eyes, two minds, and two hearts we experience the world together as one, and it is so much more sweet, and beautiful, than it would be alone.

Two souls, two eyes,

One heart, one mind.

Beating, blinking,

Loving, thinking.

Sharing all the earth,

Sorrow and mirth.

Two hearts, four eyes,

One love, one life.

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(I’m in a thinky mood, so I’ll just keep writing…)

It’s amazing how much sex is abused in our society. I just saw a blog in which the author (obviously trying to be a creative storyteller and failing miserably) related the story of a girl and a guy having sex. They were obviously not married, and seemingly had no emotional attachment. The story ends with the girl getting bored, insulting the guy, and sending him off. Her body has been used (and there isn’t even a claim of “love”) and the guy’s ego is wounded. This is not how it’s supposed to be!! Sex was meant to be a beautiful thing, created by God for the enjoyment of a husband and wife, and to join them as one. And the shocking thing is that the rate of premarital sexual activity among professed Christian youth is not that different from those youth who claim no connection to Christ! (See Josh McDowell’s Right from Wrong for more information.) I can count on two hands (only) the people at my college who I know for a fact are virgins. ;(

  •  Romans 13:13 “Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy.”
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel (body) in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God…” [Don’t act like the people who don’t know God…plain and simple…]
  • Mark 10:6-9 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
  • 1 Corinthians 6:15-20 “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. >>Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” [Sins against his (or her) own body? I don’t think I want to do that…]
  • 1 Corinthians 7:4 “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” [We were created for our spouse and our spouse only.]

(Just check out 1 Corinthians 5-7. And also Leviticus 18, the chapter on unlawful sexual relations.)

The point is, God tells us not to have sex outside of marriage for a reason. It’s for our own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It can be a difficult struggle, I know. But we all need to stand firm. No man who is not willing to make a permanent commitment should ever have a woman’s body; men should be protecting our health and our honor, not destroying it. And no woman should ever see a man as a conquest; making them fall should not be our victory.

I applaud those of you who are still virgins (and haven’t come near the line either). I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

(I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but the next time I write will be more coherent…)

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