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Posts Tagged ‘sorrow’

Friends fade away like falling leaves,

Drifting through the snow;

You never know how fast they fall,

Until they let you go.

 

If friends you have in summer sun,

You’ll surely hear them tell,

“I love it here with you my friend,

I like it very well.”

 

If friends you find when spring time comes,

Dance in gentle rain.

Enjoy the flowers while you may,

For they won’t long remain.

 

Fall will bring friends close to you,

For warmth and cheerful air,

They’ll tell you they will always love;

Of their words beware.

 

If in the winter, friends you hold,

They’ll smother soon in snow,

They’ll turn their back on summer time,

And let the flowers go.

 

Cold as ice, and wind, and rain,

The ending oh so near.

Pain and strife like winter’s knife,

Soon make it very clear:

 

Friends fade away like falling leaves,

Drifting through the snow.

You never know how fast they fall,

Until they let you go.

 

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On a crowded street in the downtown area of some large and busy city stood a little girl, dressed in a bright yellow dress. She stands, unmoving, amidst the ever moving crowd of tall men in dark suits, on their way to somewhere important. No one notices her, for she is just a little girl, insignificant, with yellow ribbons in her golden hair. In her hand she carries a large wooden box, holding it close to herself. This is a very special box, for in it she keeps her heart. She has journeyed downtown today on a mission: to find someone who will take care of her heart. The time had come when she could no longer care for it alone. She needed help, and hoped to find that help soon. Gathering her courage she walked in front of a tall man in a blue suit, who looked less important than the rest. She offered up her box with a shy smile. To her surprise, the man didn’t even see her, and kept on walking. Disappointed, the young girl tried again, this time with a man in a brown suit who looked less busy than the rest. She ran up to him, struggling to keep pace with his fast stride. She stopped in front of him. With a big grin on her face she proudly showed him her box. The man pushed her roughly aside, nearly causing her to drop her precious burden. The child began to worry, and tried offering her box to first one man, and then to another, and another. Frantically running around the mass of somber men on that busy downtown street. She began to despair; no one wanted her heart.

A short time later she saw a man in a grey suit walking toward her in the crowd, his suit is stained. He seemed friendly and less rude than the rest, so she decided to try again. She timidly walked up to the man, and shyly offered him her box. To her great surprise, the man smiled and took the box from her outstretched arms. Oh what joy! Someone who wanted her heart had finally come. The two clasped hands and walked happily down the street together. At first the young lady didn’t ask any questions of her friend, but finally she decided to speak to him about how to care for her heart. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words were empty, her voice was not heard. He didn’t seem to mind, he just whispered sweet nothings in her ear and held her close. She tried again, this time more forcefully, to talk about what needed to be done to care for her heart. The man in the stained grey suit didn’t hear a word, for he didn’t truly know how to protect and nurture her heart. He realized that she would not settle for less than the best care, which he was not willing to put forth the effort to give. After walking only a few blocks together down the busy street, the man roughly grabbed the special box, held it high in the air and threw it to the ground where it, and its contents, were dashed to pieces. He quickly vanished into the crowd.

The little girl was devastated. She sank to the ground, her blue eyes filling with tears as she surveyed the damage. The wooden box lay shattered in a bloody mess on the ground. She sobbed as her trembling hands tried to pick up the pieces…there were so many. The men were still hurrying by, barely making an effort to avoid stepping on her broken heart. She cried uncontrollably as slowly she found one small piece at a time. She put the largest of these in the front pocket of her now bloodstained yellow dress, to keep it safe. She sat there through the night, weeping, too broken to move; afraid to leave her heart alone in it’s unprotected state.

As morning came and the sun rose, there was no hope for the sad, lonely girl. She had not stopped crying since the night before, and no one had come to help her. She had long since given up on picking up the pieces, which still lay spread on the ground before her. A single tear rolled silently down her cheek. As she sat staring into the emptyness she felt a gentle touch on her shoulder. It was a man, dressed in a white suit. He had kind eyes and a reassuring smile. “My child, why are you crying?” He asked. She kept her eyes lowered, ashamed, unable to meet his gaze. The kind man gently placed his hand under her chin and raised her head up, looking into her fearful eyes and again asking, “Dear child, why do you cry?” The little girl swallowed, and attempted to speak, but no words would come, only a rush of silent tears. The man patiently asked a third time, “My precious one, what is the cause of your sadness?”

Finally the little girl found her voice, “I cry because my heart is broken, and there is no one to fix it.” The tears flowed freely. She expected the man to ignore her, but he just wrapped his strong arms around her and held her tightly as she wept. When her sobs finally quieted, she pulled back and looked at him, shocked to find that the kind man was also crying. Wiping a tear from the tip of her nose, He spoke, “I’m sorry, my child, that this hurt had to happen, but I can fix your broken heart, if you will give it to me.” The girl was uncertain, but he was so gentle, and seemed to genuinely care for her, and for her heart. “I will help you to pick up the pieces,” he said. The sad girl tearfully nodded and the two slowly began to gather up the pieces together. He took a white silk cloth from his suit and gently placed the little bits of her heart on it, careful to remove the splinters that had come from the wooden box.

They worked side by side, quietly picking up the pieces and putting them back together. The man was silent, and peaceful, and took great care in his work. The girl enjoyed being in his presence; it was very comforting to be near him. The task took them most of the day, and when it was nearly finished the man spoke, “Dear one, there is still a piece missing.” The little girl looked at him, and shook her head. She knew that there was still one part left in the pocket of her dress, but she didn’t think he’d want that one, and she didn’t want to give it to him. The gentle man gave her a knowing look, “My beloved, I have to have all the pieces of your heart to mend it.” She reluctantly reached into her pocket and took out the last lonely piece and handed it to him. He gently placed the final piece on the cloth with the rest of her heart, leaned down, and breathed on it. The pieces began to melt together, slowly becoming one, as if they’d never seen hardship. The little girl was distressed, but she trusted this man, and when his work was done, her heart was like new. “It is finished,” he said. She reached down to pick up her heart, but he stayed her hand. “Wait,” he said. He walked a few feet away and returned carrying an alabaster box. “Place your precious heart in here, dear one, it has my Name on it. Your heart will be safe if you give it to me.” She bent down and picked up the white silk cloth and gently placed it in His alabaster box, her eyes smiling with gratitude.

The young girl was very happy that her heart was now whole, though she was uncertain of what to do next. She looked at her companion inquiringly; he already knew what was on her mind. “Come, walk with me down the street,” he said. “I will guide your steps so that you will not stumble and damage your priceless treasure.” She nodded and they started walking through the crowd together. As they continued on their way, several men turned their hungry eyes in the girl’s direction, glaring at the strong man who walked with her and carried her young heart under one protective arm. Frightened, the little girl took her companion’s hand, clinging to him tightly. She worriedly looked up into his clear eyes, and he laughed, “Do not be afraid, they cannot harm you, as long as you walk with me. The box has my Name on it, they cannot take your heart without my permission.” She was relieved, but still a question remained. He knew. “I will help you,” he said, “to find someone to give your heart to, but you must trust me to show him to you.” She nodded and they walked on silently as before, no longer heeding the furtive glances from the crowd. After a few minutes the man asked, “Would you like to carry your heart for a while?” The little girl replied with a shy smile, “No thank you, I know now that I cannot take care of it by myself. It’s safest when it’s in your hands.” He smiled a kind and gentle smile, which she returned. The little girl knew that her heart would be protected, and that she would never again be alone. And so they walked, hand in hand, in companionable silence down the still crowded street.

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This year has been quite an interesting one for me, though it shouldn’t come as a surprise, my college life has been one big adventure so far. I’ve had many things happen to me this past year, a lot of them very good, and some of them very very bad…

I’ve had my heart broken, my trust betrayed, my kindness and friendship taken advantage of. I’ve been disappointed, in myself and others. I gave my heart to someone who couldn’t take care of it. I’ve lost friends, and discovered that people who I thought were my friends, really weren’t. I’ve been lied to and manipulated, by those I loved dearly. I’ve been taken for granted. I’ve watched my friends argue and fight and end their friendships. School has been intense too. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I thought God wanted me in music, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve discovered new depths to my fear of being alone. I’ve been to two funerals in the past four months, and they were only two weeks apart. One of them was a young man who I never really knew, but the legacy that he left with my friends is a testament to the wonderful man that he was. I will miss him, because he so strongly affected my friends. The second was one of my dad’s old friends. He was my parent’s best man, he went to college and later taught school with my dad (they even had the same laugh), he was one of my teachers in middle school, and eventually taught at my high school. I attended both his wedding, and his funeral. I’ve seen my father’s health deteriorating, and know that finances in the family are not good.

BUT.

I’ve also been in love, which is a wonder in itself. I’ve known the joy of being close to someone, of being held in the arms of a man who loved me…who would kiss me softly and tell me that everything’s going to be ok.  I’ve made friends who think I’m amazing, who tell me I’m beautiful, and I know they love me and will be there if ever I need them. I’ve gotten closer to my girl friends…mostly Deanna, Erin, Kat, and Heather. I never thought that Kat and I would be that close, but I am so very glad we are. I’ve had friends comfort me when I was down and hurting, when I wasn’t able to be strong anymore. I’ve met some wonderful Christian guys in this past year, like Tom, Brian, and Ben…guys I can talk to who will encourage me to Christ…I am very thankful for them. I’ve gotten closer to some of my older friends…Travis, Justin, Jennifer F., and a few others. I’ve made random friends out of the blue, who I feel like I can truly trust…like Kristen. I’ve seen other friendships grow and blossom, people I introduced to each other becoming good friends. I’ve been to one wedding, seen multiple engagements, and have weddings to look forward to in the near future. I’ve seen children growing up and laughing. I have friends who have gotten married, and I see their love for each other grow; I see their children being born. My sister and I are getting closer. Actually becoming what sisters should be. We have had a couple “girl talks” and  I am excited for the time when we can really be friends and trust each other…we’ve NEVER gotten along in the past. My father’s health may not be the best…but he’s ALIVE. And the doctors often tell him that he shouldn’t be. My brother is growing up and doing great things, and I am so proud of him.

My life is changing…my thoughts and emotions are being rearranged. My hopes, desires, and dreams are not the same as they once were. The way I view people and the world is getting scrambled. How I interact, how I love, how I care for others…it’s all changing. My future is uncertain, this is true, but it’s also true that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He’s changing me, molding me…the things that happen all have a purpose. If I’ve lost or gained friendships, it’s happened for a reason. All the hurt and frustration that I’ve gone through, though less than some, will teach me things that I need to know. I’m learning how to trust again. I’m learning how to show love, and be vulnerable. God is good. I don’t know what exactly he’s doing, but I do know that he is good, and only wants good for my future. I may have to go through some things before reaching the mountaintop…but I know that I am not alone as I walk through the valley. Thank you Jesus for your great grace and mercy…and love. I thank you Jesus for your love.

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I recently finished reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “Out of the Silent Planet.” It is an excellent book and poses an interesting scenario. The scenario is that there is one supreme being with lesser beings (though still powerful) under him. Each one had a realm of control, in this case, a planet. (They are all still subservient to the supreme being.) One of them, Thulcan, became “bent” or evil. The other beings, under command of the supreme being, bound the bent one. That planet became “the silent planet,” and the other beings never heard anything more from the planet, though there were vague rumors that the supreme being (Meldil) had had strange dealings with Thulcan and the beings (the intelligent life) of his planet, Thulcandra. The planet is corrupt with the ways of Thulcan, and there is much greed and death in that world. On the other planets, death is natural and expected, unless one dies hunting it’s food. Each species lives out the normal number of their days, and when it is their time to go, the ruler of the other planets “unmakes” them. There is no murder, no life-taking diseases, and each “hnau” (intelligent being, like man) serves the planet’s governor in the capacity that they are best suited too. In this book the hrossa were the fishers, hunters, the song writers and wordsmiths, and the people of Malacandra spoke their language, because it was best. The seroni were the scientists and mathemeticians, they learned things about the world and knew how things worked. The pfiltriggi were the workers, the sculptors, and buildors. Each species had it’s part to play, and none tried to control the other. There were also Eldila, spirit-like beings (similar to angels) under the command of the governor, Oyarsa. If an eldil told you to do something, you did it. Life was a happy existence on Malacandra.

People have often asked, if there were life on other worlds, did Jesus have to come and die for each world’s sins? If you take into account this (fictional) idea of things…each world has it’s own governor who is subservient to God (in our case, an angel). One of the governors, Lucifer, became corrupt, and God had to take drastic measures to redeem his people and undo the harm that Lucifer had done to the earth, his planet of governance. The other planets (in this story) present life as it would have been had sin never entered the world. It’s a fascinating story, and just an interesting thought. The intelligent inhabitants are at peace with one another, happy to do what they were created for, and live as long as they are meant to, before they are “unmade”, or taken to the afterlife. The hnau of the same generation are taken at the same time, and the community is prepared for their leaving. There is really no need for laws, because there is no perversion of what is natural. One male of a species chooses one female to be his mate, they beget children, they live, they die. There is no greed, no lust, no hunger, and each gives to his brethren as they have need. Wouldn’t it be amazing if life were really like that? Because of the twisted ways of Lucifer and the sin he brought to us, we cannot be like that. But this is an excellent and highly recommended book, particularly because it paints this picture of a world without sin. What a wonderful world.

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Emotions are an amazing thing, yet also quite irritating at times. You say you feel one way, but maybe you don’t. You think you’re feeling something, but someone else says you’re not really. You’re pretty sure why you think or feel something, but in truth, your motivations for feeling that way are not what you thought they were. And, according to Jeremiah, the heart is deceitful and no one can understand it… argh! Can’t I just feel the way I want to and not have everyone question what I’m thinking? I tend to overanalyze myself (and others) a little too much already without other people jumping in the mix and confusing me even more.

For example: there’s this guy. No, not like that, I barely know him, but I’d like to get to know him better. I’m very much interested in him, I think he’s a pretty awesome guy. So I tell some friends who know me fairly well, and have met him. I’m excited, I’ve got someone “on the radar”, so to speak. (That and I’m also a woman who really wants to find her husband and raise a family to the Glory of God.) They tell me that I’m too codependent upon someone I may never find (my husband), that I’m not really interested in him, and that it’s just a rebound. They say I don’t act like I’m interested. How am I supposed to act? If he doesn’t get it by now he’s just dumb. But what do they think I should be doing? I tell them it’s not a rebound…how do they know that it is? I’m not after him just to have someone because I’m lonely after what’s his face left me, I’m not really after him at all. I’d just really like to get to know him, any more than that is up to him and God. But the point is, I think I know what I’m feeling, I already doubt myself enough as it is. Deciding you’re interested in someone who doesn’t reciprocate that interest is part of life, though it still hurts. I value their input, I really do, and I do still want them to keep advising me. I know they just want to keep me from hurting myself, but who can really truly judge our emotions? It’s not me, I have so many doubts and fears and insecurities in my own decision making skills at times, it’s dizzying.

I thought I heard God tell me once that this guy wasn’t the one for me, and that if I did start something it would “be worse than before.” But then on another day when I was thinking about him and wondering if I should tell him before too long (the future isn’t promised to us anyway, and I don’t know what my plans are either) I thought I heard God tell me “Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere” as if I should just calm down, he’ll be there and we’ll have time. But then I start to overanalyze, was that really God? Could it have been Satan? Could it have been my own fears telling me not to get involved? Could it be my own selfish desires just hoping beyond hope that I may really have found someone? Ack! Emotions are frustrating. And being a girl, I think we have the worse end of the emotional spectrum. Men feel things just as strongly as we do, no doubt about that, but I think that the range of emotions and the speed at which women go through them is greater by far.

I don’t want to doubt or hurt anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m single, trying to figure out what I want for a career, where I want to go to school, what I want to do with my life. At the same time, I just long for simplicity. Love, friendship, children, music, Jesus, fellowship. Reading books by the fire, playing and singing and reveling in the beautiful harmonies, sharing a homemade meal with family, playing board games with friends. The lights and the glamour and traveling the world as a famous musician, or being the best teacher in the country…these things are not for me. What do I want? How do I feel? Who do I love? Where will I go? These are all questions that I thought I knew the answers to, but now I’m not so sure.

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A love is a love no matter how far,

It follows forever where ever you are.

Deep and strong, pure and true,

Love watches over and cares for you.

And when from your heart your love may roam,

The father’s love will lead you home.

Through grief and tears, and so much pain

His love will heal you once again.

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Nothing epic to report today, but so far it has been a rather Satisfying Saturday. I got to sleep in this morning (for once). I woke up to the sound of Josh’s parakeet (Tweetums…) chirping at the morning, sun streaming through the window. Read a few chapters in the Bible, and had a little time to think. I got out of bed and cooked breakfast and did some dishes while listening to the “Kid’s Kingdom” and Adventures in Odyssey on Spirit FM. Erin (my housemate) and I ate a satisfying breakfast of sausage and eggs. I had coffee… 😀 We cleaned out our cars, I put some laundry away and Erin cleaned up the avalanche of newspapers. lol. Now we’re sitting and listening to some Christian music (a great Praise & Worship CD I have. Right now “He knows my name” is playing.) I’m blogging and Erin’s cutting out some coupons. (lol at Erin…) I’ve been able to think and talk to God some today. Not praying by definition, but telling God things, thanking him, occasionally asking for things.

One of the things I’ve asked God for today was that he would show me his love in new and amazing ways today. I know he loves me, he died for me, and I’m not going to question that. I don’t want to say, “I’ll know you love me if you do this…” But I want to say that I know He loves me because of all that he’s already done, and that he’s taking care of my future. But I ask him that he reveal his love in new and amazing ways, and that He’ll help me draw closer to him. (I haven’t been reading and praying as much as I really should be.)

An interesting verse that I found this morning…

  • 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done…”

I’ve made the distinction before between guilt and conviction, but I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed this verse before. It’s pretty neat. God has the Holy spirit convict us of our sins so that we may lead an untroubled life, filled with hope and good character; a life filled with closeness to Him.

  • Proverbs 19:23 “The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble.”
  • Romans 5:2b-5 “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

That’s about it for today so far. I’m planning on practicing my clarinet and oboe for a while, then maybe going to dinner with Dad, and then off to his spiritual warfare Bible study. Woot! And tomorrow I have worship team practice, church service (obviously), and then the worship team is having a Barbecue thing…so I’ll get to hang out with Brian, Mrs. Morgan, Erin, Paul, and Peter! Woot! I love them, they are some pretty cool people. It’s nice to finally have some friends at church. (I had one good friend, but she moved away. I was friends with her sisters, but we never saw anything eye-to-eye, and we just dont relate well anymore.)  Erin is my roommate, a musician friend from school, who now goes to church with me. Paul and Peter are brothers who’ve been going to the church longer than my family has, but for some reason I didn’t connect with them until recently. Brian…I walked into church one morning when I wasn’t singing on the worship team and he was playing guitar with them. lol. And his mom is also on the worship team. (She’s really sweet.) I think tomorrow we’re watching a video on applying music theory to praise & worship. Yay for good Christian friends and music!!

(Verse 1) I have a maker,/ he formed my heart./ Before even time began/my life was in his hand. (Chorus) He knows my name,/He knows my every thought;/He sees each tear that falls/And hears me when I call. (Verse 2) I have a father, he calls me His own./He’ll never leave me, no matter where I go./Chorus/

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