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Archive for December, 2008

Warrior Child

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears
And they don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
Never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
And they don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
And they don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
‘Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

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Beauty?

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life

Chorus:
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Being a girl is so frustrating sometimes. We’re meant to reflect the beauty, grace, and mercy of God, but it’s so difficult these days. Wanting to be loved without being willing to give up something that you shouldn’t for the wrong man, but willing to give up everything that you should for the right one, if only he would pay attention. You can be the center of attention anywhere, but there’s always someone prettier and skinnier to take that from you, there’s always someone who feels threatened by you. There’s some freaky competition between girls, sometimes I don’t even understand it. But it’s as if, as soon as someone who is pretty walks in the door, our radar goes off and we put on this “forced float” (as someone called it) and can’t just be ourselves. It’s especially difficult if there is a potential interest there. We just feel threatened, I suppose. (No wonder I like hanging out with the guys…) I’m just tired sometimes of being a girl, wanting to feel good about yourself but not being able to when you’re just yourself. I don’t think anyone has seen me on a normal day without makeup in years. It’s not because I hate myself, but my skin misbehaves and I always feel so gross without it. I want someone to think I’m beautiful no matter what I do, or how I look. I know Jesus thinks that of me, but sometimes…it’s just lonely. You have so much you want to give; love, affection, devotion, time…and stupid girls who are in it for the sex or just the attention ruin it for women who are trying to be Godly and be who they are supposed to be. And no, I am not being overly co-dependent (as some would say) on a man who may or may not exist (my husband), I just want to find the right guy for me, and I know God has him out there. While I’m waiting, I’d like for people’s girlfriends not to hate me…I’m not after your man, I just like making friends and feeling pretty.

I don’t know why I’m ranting. I just feel so lonely and ugly sometimes. Eww. It just feels good to vent.

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I seriously don’t understand why people can’t just say Merry Christmas. I understand that there is a fear of excluding those who are not Christian and do not celebrate Christmas…but let’s face it, most of the people who celebrate Christmas are NOT Christians, they just want presents. So what to do? You can always just add Hannuka in…Merry Christmas and Happy Hannuka! Missing something? Add Kwanza too…Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka and a Joyous Kwanza! Is it really that offensive if someone wishes you a joyous…whatever holiday…if you aren’t a follower of that religion? If someone wishes me a Happy Hannuka, or says “may Allah bless you” I’m not offended. I just take that as their wish for me to be blessed and have a great day. The bottom line is this…add as many seasonal celebrations’ greetings to your banners as you wish, just don’t take away my Christmas. If you are a Christian I ask you, keep Christ in Christmas, one of the few places where His name is allowed to be mentioned publicly, don’t just say happy holidays… There is only one truly Holy day this season, and that is the day of my savior Jesus Christ’s birth. Christmas.

It’s ok if you’re a Muslim, a Christian or a Jew;
It’s ok if you’re agnostic and don’t know what to do.
Happy Christmahanukwanzica to you!

Seriously people.

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As you all know, I am a hopeless romantic. You also know that I’ve never had a boyfriend, and have only had one chance at love. I am very careful with my heart, I want to do things right according to God’s will, and my heart belongs only to the man that God has for me. Sometimes I can be rather impatient in waiting for my sweetheart to come along. (As can be expected from an extremely loving and affectionate girl.) So, to help me in my waiting, I’ve been praying for my future husband. Other friends of mine are doing the same, but I’ve decided to start a journal as well…in it I will write my thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, and prayers for my husband, and for us. I will give it to him after we are married, a little glimpse into my heart. This will be a very good thing for me, and hopefully it will ease the difficulty of waiting.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires!

Psalm 37:4
“Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Phil 4:6-7
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life”
Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Don’t ever take your friends for granted…

When I decide that you are my friend and that I love you, you’re stuck with me. I will be your friend as long as I can, and as best as I can. I will do whatever I can to help you if you need it; I will answer my phone at 4 am and come get you if you’re in trouble…I will call and message you to see how you are doing…I will open my home to you if you need a place to run, or a place to relax…I will be a listening ear, a loving remonstrance, a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging and empathetic heart…but please, don’t take that for granted. I don’t want recognition, just please, don’t walk on me.

I’ve only ever been in love once. Just once. About 5 months ago. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and have only been kissed by one man. It didn’t work out, he went back to his ex, but we’re still friends. I am very thankful that we had this involvement, and I don’t regret it. Through it God has grown us both quite a bit, at least, he has helped me. And I do see that the relationship is probably not the right one, but I am thankful for his friendship. But lately I’ve been feeling ignored. He’s been through a lot, and I have been there as much as I could be. I would have gone to visit his mother and grandmother in the hospital if he had asked. I would message him and ask how things are going, I would send him smiley faces to cheer him up. I would do anything that I could to make him feel better…but he doesn’t seem to care.. His girlfriend hates me, even through I have no more romantic interest in him. When he’s with her he completely ignores my messages and phone calls. I understand it if they are on a date, but if he marries her, I’ll never see him or talk to him again. ūüė¶ Last night after our performance (he and I perform in a chorus together) his girlfriend was there, and we couldn’t really talk much. If I were to say anything against her, even just complaining that she’s being mean, he would correct me, but he never says anything to her when she’s unkind to me. (She told him he couldn’t start a conversation with me…) If she’s at the table with the group, he will not talk to me at all. He won’t even look at me. And it just hurts so much. So much. Don’t take me for granted, please.

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Drawn.

Why am I still drawn in?

I can’t help myself.

I think I hear His voice say no,

But still I doubt.

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I’ve been wresling with a few things lately, and at the same time discovering some things about myself, my perception of myself, and the perceptions of others. Through prayer, and arguing with my own thoughts, and talking with others, I’ve discovered some things about my personality, and I will attempt to explain some of the thoughts swirling through my head without confusing¬†you…¬†There is one topic that’s consistently on my mind, sometimes in positive ways and other times¬†in negative, and that’s love. Love, relationships, lonliness, etc.¬†I know that it’s not something I should be obsessing over; it’s always irritating to hear silly girls whining about being lonely, but they do that for a reason…it’s the way we’re wired. Women are designed to need and want to be loved and protected, it’s a natural desire that we are all born with. We all express this desire differently, but it’s there. There are times when I want to be self-sufficient, and not want a man to make me happy. And there are other days (most often) when I just want someone to love me¬†and to hold me in his arms, tell me everything will be ok. I want someone I can share my life with, be vulnerable with, and not be afraid of offending him or being laughed at for my thoughts. I want to find someone who is a strong Christian to stand beside during the rough times that are ahead. I want my other half… *sigh*

I’ve been asked quite a few times recently by adults about my relationships, the future, and¬†what I’m doing after my time here at this community college. I honestly don’t know.¬†As far as relationships go, I’ve never had a boyfriend.¬†This school is a very good school, for a community college. The professors are excellent (even now I can hear Dr. T’s boisterous laughter just outside the door), many have doctorates, and the music department is wonderful. I’ve made so many friends these past few years, and it’s been fantastic to participate in all the musical ensembles we have here. But I don’t know where to go next, I’d like to go to a good music school, but I don’t want to go too far away. I have a large family here, a father with health problems, and I finally have friends; a good social network, people I can depend upon, and people I can perform with. How can I leave all of them? How can I leave the people that I’ve come to love and¬†care about? I don’t¬†want to start over completely, it’s just¬†too hard. ¬†People have told me not to worry aobut that at all, but that’s not the way I am wired. I don’t want to worry about it, but I can’t not think about it sometimes.

I came to a revelation the other day…I am not the ambitious type. Yes, I have things I want to get done and places I want to go, but I’m not one of those people who has to be the best in their field, or be famous for their work, etc. If I were to end up as a wife and mother,¬†performing with a musical ensemble¬†or teaching on the side, I’d be perfectly happy. In fact, that’s kind of what I want. As a young student you don’t want to plan your life according to where your friends or loves go, so I’ve tried to imagine my life and how it would go if I were not to have a relationship or get married for a few years. Honestly? I can’t. I seriously cannot imagine a life without my husband by my side. Whether it’s performing together in music, teaching together somewhere, raising a family, ministering together…I just want to be the support and encouragement he needs and I want to be a part of his life. I was close to having a relationship with a wonderful guy, and having had that love and security of a future with someone for a short time, then¬†losing¬†it…was very difficult.

The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” The command here is not to worry, just pray and petition God for what it is that you need with a Thankful spirit. If you do this, the peace of God will protect both your heart and your mind. ¬†

I thank you Lord for my life and for my singleness, and the time I have to learn to be the good wife and mother that you want me to be. I ask that you help ease the pain of waiting, keep me from doing something silly that would hurt myself or someone that I love. I ask also that the waiting not be too long…I want to find a husband to spend my life with in worship of you, and in raising children to the glory of your name. I don’t need to keep searching for love, as if you are not enough. You are more than enough for me. Thank you Jesus that you know best, and will not let any relationship¬†that is not of your will to come to fruition. Protect my heart, Father.¬†I love you Lord, and I will try to be more patient. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

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