Blessing In Disguise

It’s amazing how the things that happen in our lives that seem like negative events are often things that make way for our lives to be better. God has a better plan than I do, and He can see the bigger picture. I just have to have faith that he will fulfill His promises and that He knows best.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

Most of you who will read this blog know that I had a music teaching position last year for 6 months, in lieu of a teacher who had to suddenly leave. I was not selected to continue in the position, as there were other more qualified and more experienced people who were interviewed. I also was passed over for another position for reasons that I believe were less than legitimate. I was rather frustrated with this for a while, really wanting to be able to help my husband in payment of the bills, his college loans, and general savings. I also wanted to be able to have some fairly decent health insurance, and have a better standard of living than I had been able to in the early years of my life. I was somewhat depressed by the turn of events; I had been so looking forward to having a full-time job!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Now I realize that God has put me in a wonderful position in life! I currently teach music lessons twice a week; I have about 9 students total, and I am clocked in for about 6-8 hours a week (depending upon the lesson schedule). I also substitute teach every week, usually averaging 2 days per week, though sometimes I get longer jobs for teachers out on illness, vacation, etc. I have the opportunity to practice my teaching skills in varying classrooms and I am able to experience different teaching styles through the lesson plans given me by the absent teachers. I use the time that I am not working to keep the house looking neat and clean, run errands, cook/bake, study scripture, practice music for church worship team, exercise, pay bills, manage the mail, grocery shop, and do laundry. I am able to spend time with my sister occasionally, and help her with college tasks. I have time to develop skills needed to care for my husband and be a good and loving wife. I nearly always have the house cleaned up and smelling nice, dishes done, and dinner on the table when my husband gets home from work. He doesn’t have to do anything! Once a week I usually attempt some form of new culinary or baking venture so that my husband has something delicious and different to eat, and isn’t stuck with the same foods every day. I also enjoy making healthier foods (I made fresh bread!) that aren’t processed or canned. And the best part is that I can just spend time relaxing with my husband when he gets home — neither of us have to be stressed or rushing around to get things done in the evening because it is already finished. I love being a part-time worker and full-time housewife!

All this is to say, when God closes a door for you he has another one open somewhere that he wants you to go through. It may not be open yet, and you may not recognize it when you walk through it, but have faith and patience and you will see that God has everything under control. 🙂

^” Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

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Arguing with myself

I’ve been wresling with a few things lately, and at the same time discovering some things about myself, my perception of myself, and the perceptions of others. Through prayer, and arguing with my own thoughts, and talking with others, I’ve discovered some things about my personality, and I will attempt to explain some of the thoughts swirling through my head without confusing you… There is one topic that’s consistently on my mind, sometimes in positive ways and other times in negative, and that’s love. Love, relationships, lonliness, etc. I know that it’s not something I should be obsessing over; it’s always irritating to hear silly girls whining about being lonely, but they do that for a reason…it’s the way we’re wired. Women are designed to need and want to be loved and protected, it’s a natural desire that we are all born with. We all express this desire differently, but it’s there. There are times when I want to be self-sufficient, and not want a man to make me happy. And there are other days (most often) when I just want someone to love me and to hold me in his arms, tell me everything will be ok. I want someone I can share my life with, be vulnerable with, and not be afraid of offending him or being laughed at for my thoughts. I want to find someone who is a strong Christian to stand beside during the rough times that are ahead. I want my other half… *sigh*

I’ve been asked quite a few times recently by adults about my relationships, the future, and what I’m doing after my time here at this community college. I honestly don’t know. As far as relationships go, I’ve never had a boyfriend. This school is a very good school, for a community college. The professors are excellent (even now I can hear Dr. T’s boisterous laughter just outside the door), many have doctorates, and the music department is wonderful. I’ve made so many friends these past few years, and it’s been fantastic to participate in all the musical ensembles we have here. But I don’t know where to go next, I’d like to go to a good music school, but I don’t want to go too far away. I have a large family here, a father with health problems, and I finally have friends; a good social network, people I can depend upon, and people I can perform with. How can I leave all of them? How can I leave the people that I’ve come to love and care about? I don’t want to start over completely, it’s just too hard.  People have told me not to worry aobut that at all, but that’s not the way I am wired. I don’t want to worry about it, but I can’t not think about it sometimes.

I came to a revelation the other day…I am not the ambitious type. Yes, I have things I want to get done and places I want to go, but I’m not one of those people who has to be the best in their field, or be famous for their work, etc. If I were to end up as a wife and mother, performing with a musical ensemble or teaching on the side, I’d be perfectly happy. In fact, that’s kind of what I want. As a young student you don’t want to plan your life according to where your friends or loves go, so I’ve tried to imagine my life and how it would go if I were not to have a relationship or get married for a few years. Honestly? I can’t. I seriously cannot imagine a life without my husband by my side. Whether it’s performing together in music, teaching together somewhere, raising a family, ministering together…I just want to be the support and encouragement he needs and I want to be a part of his life. I was close to having a relationship with a wonderful guy, and having had that love and security of a future with someone for a short time, then losing it…was very difficult.

The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” The command here is not to worry, just pray and petition God for what it is that you need with a Thankful spirit. If you do this, the peace of God will protect both your heart and your mind.  

I thank you Lord for my life and for my singleness, and the time I have to learn to be the good wife and mother that you want me to be. I ask that you help ease the pain of waiting, keep me from doing something silly that would hurt myself or someone that I love. I ask also that the waiting not be too long…I want to find a husband to spend my life with in worship of you, and in raising children to the glory of your name. I don’t need to keep searching for love, as if you are not enough. You are more than enough for me. Thank you Jesus that you know best, and will not let any relationship that is not of your will to come to fruition. Protect my heart, Father. I love you Lord, and I will try to be more patient. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

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