Divided

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

Those that would love me,

Those that would care,

Harass and they bug me,

Why do they dare?

They say that I’m foolish,

That this is no good,

I said “it’s my life!”

And I’d do what I would.

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

All of my friends,

They’re on my side.

They’ve stood beside me

Each time that I’ve lied.

Said “you’re a grown up!

It’s your life to choose!”

And with their convictions,

I’ve nothing to lose.

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

The man I called savior,

The one who gave all,

He’ll do me a favor,

He won’t let me fall.

My life is my own,

I am my god,

My choices and values

You should applaud!

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

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Falling Leaves

Friends fade away like falling leaves,

Drifting through the snow;

You never know how fast they fall,

Until they let you go.

 

If friends you have in summer sun,

You’ll surely hear them tell,

“I love it here with you my friend,

I like it very well.”

 

If friends you find when spring time comes,

Dance in gentle rain.

Enjoy the flowers while you may,

For they won’t long remain.

 

Fall will bring friends close to you,

For warmth and cheerful air,

They’ll tell you they will always love;

Of their words beware.

 

If in the winter, friends you hold,

They’ll smother soon in snow,

They’ll turn their back on summer time,

And let the flowers go.

 

Cold as ice, and wind, and rain,

The ending oh so near.

Pain and strife like winter’s knife,

Soon make it very clear:

 

Friends fade away like falling leaves,

Drifting through the snow.

You never know how fast they fall,

Until they let you go.

 

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Crying in the Dark.

Crying, crying in the dark
Shedding tears for each sad heart.
Will they hear me if I speak,
On in silence should I sleep.

Hoping, praying for my friends
Wishing for their pain to end.
Will they hear me if I say,
“Dear friend no, that’s not the way.”

Crying, crying in the dark
Shedding tears for each sad heart.
Will they hear me if I speak,
On in silence should I sleep.

Wishing there was something more,
maybe begging on the floor?
What to do to ease their pain,
Pour out love like healing rain.

Crying, crying in the dark
Shedding tears for each sad heart.
Will they hear me if I speak,
On in silence should I sleep.

Efforts are all but ignored,
Independence is their Lord.
When did this all have to end?
Trusting God and calling friends.

Crying, crying in the dark
Shedding tears for each sad heart.
Will they hear me if I speak,
On in silence should I sleep.

My downcast heart and troubled mind
Leave no hope for me to find
Except for Christ my one true friend,
Only He can their tears end.

Hoping, praying for each one,
That to Abba they would run.
Give him all their sorrows deep,
While I rest in troubled sleep.

Crying, crying in the dark
Shedding tears for each sad heart.
Will they listen when He speaks,
Or ignore in silent sleep?

Tears of sorrow and of pain,
Soaking Earth in gentle rain.
Crying, crying in the dark
He sheds a tear for each sad heart.

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Starsearch.

Hope beyond hope,
Stars in the sky,
Asking me questions,
Wondering why.

“I have not the answers,”
I quickly replied,
“My friends, I am frightened,
With nowhere to hide.”

Hope beyond hope,
Stars in the sky,
Asking me questions,
Wondering why.

“I dare not be hasty,”
I said to my friends,
“For haste will show clearly
How quickly it ends.”

Hope beyond hope,
Stars in the sky,
Asking me questions,
Wondering why.

“A Love or a friendship,”
I briefly explained,
“When pressured too deeply,
Completely is drained.”

Hope beyond hope,
Stars in the sky,
Asking me questions,
Wondering why.

“I have not the answers,
My friends you must know,
It’s straight up to Yaweh,
Your questions should go.”

“I can’t comprehend it,
Nor can I explain,
The questions keep spinning,
Around in my brain.”

“But now I must slumber,
My brain for to sleep,
The stars will still question
As watch they do keep.”

Hope beyond hope,
Stars in the sky,
Asking me questions,
Wondering why.

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A Summer’s Day

A lazy tree, a summer’s day.

Tilted branches bend and sway

‘Neath sweet scented summer rain;

Bringing peace and easing pain.

 

Laughing children dance and sing,

Soon they’ll hear the school bells ring,

Sending them upon their way,

Free again to laugh and play.

 

Two young lovers sit and smile,

As they pass away the while,

Savoring the hours long,

They rejoice in true love’s song.

 

A man and woman, oh so grey,

Rock and watch the young ones play,

Looking back on yesteryear,

And their memories, so dear.

 

 A lazy tree, a summer’s day.

Tilted branches bend and sway

‘Neath sweet scented summer rain;

Bringing peace and easing pain.

Summer’s here, once again.

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Uncertainty

God is amazing! He brings things together for our good, and knows just what to do to encourage us when we are down…read on…

Yesterday I was feeling in a rather down mood, and I’m not entirely sure why. Could be stress, hormones, the fact that my back hurts a LOT…the moon, the end of the semester, betrayed friendships…but I know one thing that probably added to my mood: uncertainty. My life right now is not certain at all. I’m uncertain of my career, housing arrangements, lovability, and even of my friendships. I plan to go to USF in the fall to study music education…but right now I am not sure that’s what I want to do with my life. I’ve contemplated being a counselor of some sort, either a relationship counselor, or maybe even a children’s counselor. I hate seeing children that are unloved or abused. I HATE it. If I could help children know they are loved, or help a marriage to work out, that would make me happy. (I once had someone prophesy that I would work with children in the future…possibly be a music teacher in a foreign country too.) I also don’t know about housing…I can’t really go back home, the condo may not be usable, and I can’t live in a dorm either. Oh, and I don’t have a job. My friendships have been betrayed lately. Sometimes I feel like certain people don’t trust me…and often like certain people aren’t trust worthy. Mostly because of the hurt of one friend, I am now questioning everything, I can’t help it. And the romance department in my life has never been certain, though the “man club” did make me feel good, there were no potential relationships.

Last night I was at my family’s house for my brother’s birthday party. Just a family party, cake and bar-b-q, and the typical loudness of my family. We watched “The Tale of Despereaux” (cute movie) and as we watched I was thinking this poem up in my head (it’s unfinished):

Uncertainty’s the stuff of life,

Or so the sages say.

It prods and pokes and picks and prys,

But will not go away.

To some life may bring years of love,

And to their fields rain,

To others grey and lonely days,

And long life filled with pain.

I was feeling kind of meh as I went to sleep last night. Too much sugar, back hurting, uncertainties swirling around in my head…am I doing the right thing? Should I be pursuing these things? Should I change my course of action? Should I give up on him? Does anyone care? And then I reached over for my book, “My Utmost for His Highest.” I’ve been behind on reading it, but the page from yesterday was PERFECT. It was about gracious uncertainty. (The page is below, you don’t have to read it though.)

And yesterday I got a comment in my honesty box: “I can tell that you are an awesome person! Stay close to God and the rest will come.”

These are all little whispers of love that God uses to encourage me; tiny things that some people may consider coincidences, but I know that they are little things meant to remind me of his goodness. Though I’m uncertain, and still feeling a bit off today, I am reassured of God’s great love for me. He is good, and he has my life in His wonderful hands. I may be down, but He will help me through it. “The king of love my savior is, his goodness faileth never. I nothing lack when He is mine and I am his forever.” Amen!

April 29: Gracious Uncertainty

“…it has not yet been revealed what we shall be…” (1 John 3:2)

Our natural inclination is to be so precise-trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next-that we look upon uncertainty a a bad thing. WE think that we must reach some predetermines goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life-gracious unccertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belieef, something within us dies. That is not believing God-it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “…unless you…become as little children…” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are no uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “…believe also in Me” (John 14:1) not, “Believe certain things about Me.” Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in-but you can be certain that he will come. Remain faithful to him.

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Terrible, Beautiful, Scandalous Night.

Oh Jesus…what terrible pain you suffered on my behalf. I am not worthy of such love, but you give it to me anyway, without asking anything of me but a heart devoted to loving and serving you. Help me in my doubt, Lord, let me not just go through the motions. Be real to me, Father, and let me see you more clearly day by day. You, the perfect child of Heaven, laid down your life for me, a wretched sinner…you loved me so much that you died so you could spend eternity with me. Me! Thank you Jesus! Oh thank you Lord. Beautiful, wonderful savior. Holy God! I thank you. You are so precious. We can never truly comprehend what you did for us on that dark day in Calvary so long ago, you didn’t deserve it, but you took our punishment so that we might live with you forever. You conquered sin and death to rescue our souls! What a terrible, beautiful night. Thank you Jesus. Amen!

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Cor 15:57)

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flowed
For you and for me and for all

CHORUS:
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that poured
From our blessed Savior’s side

CHORUS

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

CHORUS:
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

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Questions

Who am I? and Where is he?

Is this how it’s s’posed to be?

Questions, questions, in my mind

Seeking answers they may find.

Is he here? or Am I there?

Should I ever cut my hair?

Thoughts go swirling in and out,

Leaving oft a seed of doubt.

Where and what, and why and when,

Quickly drawing thoughts within.

Twisting, turning, biting, burning,

In my soul there is great yearning

For a place of peace and rest,

My God, my savior you know best,

How to calm the storm within

And bring me back to you again.

Lord and father, soothe my soul

Let your will be my one goal.

Help me love with all my heart,

And from your side ne’er depart.

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Have you seen my love?

Have You Seen My Love?

By Rosie Thomas

Have you seen my love and Is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me whose face lights up my day?
I won’t let one boy steal a kiss or call me his, instead I’ll wait
for his voice to call out to mine and carry these daydreams away.

Have you seen my love and is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me who won’t let me get away?
Please tell him that I’m waiting for him, praying for him night and day.
For now I’ll be a lonely girl just longing for his sweet embrace.

A friend shared this song with me, and it’s absolutely beautiful. Simplistic, but lovely, and hopeful. 🙂

I was looking at my previous post…and I sound so emo! I’m not really like that…I’m usually pretty cheerful and upbeat. I guess I was just having a bad day for some reason… Lately though I’ve been feeling much better. There are still some things that are gnawing at the edges of my sanity…but I know God has them under control. I have a sense of peace and contentedness that is very reassuring, and good friends who encourage me daily. I try be content in life and know that God has things under control. And when you’re frustrated…give someone a hug and a smile, it usually makes me feel better. 🙂

Something that’s really neat…is getting to see how God works in our lives. There are situations and circumstances that I’ve been confused about in the past, but as I’ve gotten through them, things have made so much more sense. I can look back and say, “Ohhhh, I see…that’s why you did that God…thanks!” lol. (And I’m sort of rambling, but oh well…) Anywho…I feel pretty good today, though tired, but encouraged. Thanks God. 🙂

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Quiet me with Your Love

Quiet me with your love Lord,
as I walk through the storm,
Quiet me with your love God,
don’t leave me here forlorn.
On this restless sea of life,
Through the pain and through the strife,
Quiet me with your love Lord.

Quiet me with your love, my father,
Hold me in your hand.
Quiet me with your love, my teacher,
Guide me through this land.
In times when I feel so afraid,
I know you have my life well-laid,
Quiet me with your love, Lord

Quiet me with your love.

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