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Archive for November, 2012

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

Those that would love me,

Those that would care,

Harass and they bug me,

Why do they dare?

They say that I’m foolish,

That this is no good,

I said “it’s my life!”

And I’d do what I would.

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

All of my friends,

They’re on my side.

They’ve stood beside me

Each time that I’ve lied.

Said “you’re a grown up!

It’s your life to choose!”

And with their convictions,

I’ve nothing to lose.

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

The man I called savior,

The one who gave all,

He’ll do me a favor,

He won’t let me fall.

My life is my own,

I am my god,

My choices and values

You should applaud!

 

Divided, my loyalties lie,

Twisted, astray, gone awry.

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

Hindered by feelings, desire and lust,

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

 

All that I valued, now turned to dust.

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How to describe how I feel right now? The most eloquent sentences that I can string together don’t encompass the depth of the feelings I feel and the way my heart is saddened within me. One word might suffice.
Twisted.
My insides feel all twisted up in knots. My sister “ACE” is making exceptionally unwise choices, going places that no self-professing Christian should ever go, doing things that one should never do. She is dating someone with views opposite her own, and who is much older than she — a friend of mine, who I know well enough to know he is not a good person for her to date. ACE is easily influenced, doing things because “they’re fun”, “I want to”, “it feels good”, “I’m young”, “it’s not THAT bad” etc. and is likely to run into a world of trouble if she keeps on the path she’s going down. Last week she went to a club that caters to goths and has overall a theme of vampiric bondage and sexuality, etc.  One person testified that at this club “nothing is taboo.” When ACE went there was a man in attendance who was only wearing a condom! I am so worried about her right now I am to the point of distraction. She doesn’t care that she’s causing her family pain, she doesn’t care that she is deliberately disobeying what God has commanded.

“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?” Hebrews 10:26-29

There is a part of me that almost wants to let her screw up her life, to see her fail,  fall flat on her face so we can say “I told you so!” And there’s another part of me that wants to snatch her up and protect her from harm. I know sometimes I make mistakes, and I say things to her that I probably shouldn’t, and for that I apologize to her and to anyone else necessary. But at the same time, no, I won’t apologize. She owes her family an apology for worrying them, for giving the family a poor reputation, and Christ an apology for deliberately trampling on His sacrifice.

In regards to the club she went to, she told me that she wanted to go, but at the same time her boyfriend claims that he respects her beliefs and he won’t do anything to hurt her. I asked her, “if it ever got to the point where you wanted to have sex with him would he say no, even if you wanted to?” She replied “That’s different, I wanted to go to the club because it was halloween and fun stuff.” -.- He doesn’t love her enough to protect her from herself. I am distracted over this to the point of tears. I found out through other people that she had gone to this club, and not from her. And apparently her last boyfriend took her to clubs that were WORSE than this one! I am distraught!

At one point in her last relationship I asked her why it would be good for her to keep going to church (she sometimes does) and she replied “So I don’t ‘go astray’.” With quotations, as if it wasn’t a possibility! She thinks she hasn’t changed at all, but she has. She’s become more devious, lying to family members and to her own boyfriend (at the time), and she doesn’t even know that she’s changed! What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!

Lord Jesus, help me to know what to do! I feel so twisted inside! I pray that she will find wisdom and maturity and that I will have peace and be able to say the right things. Amen.

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