Archive for March, 2009

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I seem a tad irritable this week and weekend.

My parent’s car insurance expired and I am on their policy…Dad is driving Pop’s car, so it’s ok that their insurance has expired but I, unfortunately, now have no insurance. I’m sorry if I’m a little worried.

I have an audition tomorrow at USF that I feel drastically unprepared for. The clarinet scholarships are no longer available, they would have been if I’d auditioned last week, but I never got the emails from the instructor with the time/location for the audition. So I’m rather irritated about that. I’m sorry if I seem tense.

There’s this guy I’m interested in…he knows I’m interested, but I have no idea what he’s thinking at all. Maybe he’s interested, but isn’t ready for a relationship, or doesn’t know if it’s God’s will for him to have interest in me. Or maybe he’s not interested at all, and doesn’t know how to tell me. Whatever the case may be…I’m slightly confused. (And he’s very flirtatious too.) I’m trying to figure out how to be friends and get to know him, while still giving him space, without scaring him away completely. But we are friends, and he’s been hanging out with me and with my siblings a fair amount recently, and I’m very very thankful for that. I’m sorry, my friend, for being such a silly girl.

My hormones are going crazy and I’m feeling kind of depressed. Nothing particularly drastic going on that would cause me to be so depressed, but I’m just feeling kind of down, lonely, and tired. I just need a hug, or a snuggle. I’m sorry if I’m not as cheerful as usual.

I’m almost done with school and I’m not sure what to do next year for housing, or even for a career. I think I’m going to USF, but maybe music education isn’t what God is calling me to. Maybe he wants me to me a music minister kind of thing in a church, or maybe I’m supposed to go into something like…counseling. I don’t know for certain yet. And I’m not sure if I will be living at the condo next year, or if I’ll be in a dorm. I know I can’t really go back to my house, so I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for being so indecisive.

Lord Jesus! Please help me to be cheerful and be joyful in you! I know you have everything in your hands, but sometimes life gets so complicated and stressful. Let me know your will for my life, close doors on the places you don’t want me to go, and help me to find the open doors quickly. Send me the people who you want to influence me, and send me to the people who I am supposed to influence. I praise your wonderful name! Amen!


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I recently finished reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “Out of the Silent Planet.” It is an excellent book and poses an interesting scenario. The scenario is that there is one supreme being with lesser beings (though still powerful) under him. Each one had a realm of control, in this case, a planet. (They are all still subservient to the supreme being.) One of them, Thulcan, became “bent” or evil. The other beings, under command of the supreme being, bound the bent one. That planet became “the silent planet,” and the other beings never heard anything more from the planet, though there were vague rumors that the supreme being (Meldil) had had strange dealings with Thulcan and the beings (the intelligent life) of his planet, Thulcandra. The planet is corrupt with the ways of Thulcan, and there is much greed and death in that world. On the other planets, death is natural and expected, unless one dies hunting it’s food. Each species lives out the normal number of their days, and when it is their time to go, the ruler of the other planets “unmakes” them. There is no murder, no life-taking diseases, and each “hnau” (intelligent being, like man) serves the planet’s governor in the capacity that they are best suited too. In this book the hrossa were the fishers, hunters, the song writers and wordsmiths, and the people of Malacandra spoke their language, because it was best. The seroni were the scientists and mathemeticians, they learned things about the world and knew how things worked. The pfiltriggi were the workers, the sculptors, and buildors. Each species had it’s part to play, and none tried to control the other. There were also Eldila, spirit-like beings (similar to angels) under the command of the governor, Oyarsa. If an eldil told you to do something, you did it. Life was a happy existence on Malacandra.

People have often asked, if there were life on other worlds, did Jesus have to come and die for each world’s sins? If you take into account this (fictional) idea of things…each world has it’s own governor who is subservient to God (in our case, an angel). One of the governors, Lucifer, became corrupt, and God had to take drastic measures to redeem his people and undo the harm that Lucifer had done to the earth, his planet of governance. The other planets (in this story) present life as it would have been had sin never entered the world. It’s a fascinating story, and just an interesting thought. The intelligent inhabitants are at peace with one another, happy to do what they were created for, and live as long as they are meant to, before they are “unmade”, or taken to the afterlife. The hnau of the same generation are taken at the same time, and the community is prepared for their leaving. There is really no need for laws, because there is no perversion of what is natural. One male of a species chooses one female to be his mate, they beget children, they live, they die. There is no greed, no lust, no hunger, and each gives to his brethren as they have need. Wouldn’t it be amazing if life were really like that? Because of the twisted ways of Lucifer and the sin he brought to us, we cannot be like that. But this is an excellent and highly recommended book, particularly because it paints this picture of a world without sin. What a wonderful world.

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Lately I’ve not been feeling as alone as I have in the past. I used to be so lonely and either attention starved or just wanting someone to be with. I wondered if ever there could be someone out there who could really and truly love me, someone who would find me beautiful, and love me for who I am. Because I am such a specific and particular person, I can’t just grab any guy from the mall. I’d wonder if there was someone like me, yet unlike me…a strong Christian I could rely on, etc. Since that time (and one day in particular) I’ve come to know many strong Christian men, and fell in love with someone who I thought did love me.

Why have I been feeling less lonely lately? I’m not entirely sure. I had someone, for a time, who was like me, and who loved me. Someone who shared a lot of the same values and interests. I know that finding someone who I “click” with is possible. But now I am alone again. So what next? Maybe I’m not so anxious because I’ve reached a point where I can truly give it over to God? Maybe it’s because I’ve found a good network of Christian friends, and I am encouraged by knowing men (and women) who have a passion for Christ? I don’t know…I still very much have a desire to find the right man, right career, and settle down and have a family, but I guess I jut feel like I have less anxiety now.

THere are still times, fairly often, when I feel like less than what I should be. I’m not thin enough, or pretty enough. Though sometimes I feel AMAZING and like nothing can tear me down. I don’t have anyone really paying any attention to me, romantically that is. I have an interest, though I have no idea what he’s thinking, but it’s not a “crush”, a love, or even a “like”. lol. And I feel…ok…I think. It’s unusual, this feeling that everything is ok…but it is a good feeling…I’ll keep you updated…

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